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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Emph.'s LiveJournal:

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    Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
    12:07 pm
    been a while
    just posting. just cos. yeah. i have a new journal i use. but i like having this one. makes me feel warm and fuzzy
    Sunday, August 3rd, 2003
    1:30 am
    hello
    i'm rather sad. boy came back a while back. i love him. i've written about it in a "real" journal. i'll copy it all and put it here some other time.

    Current Mood: crushed
    Tuesday, May 27th, 2003
    7:49 am
    just fucking dandy
    so um...i graduated HS a week ago. with distinction. i could have been summa cum laudae. but no. i have no ambition. i hate myself. i've decided to change that. but i'm still gonna be stuck at jc for at least a year. what bullshit. this summer i'm going to try to make myself over. change my life. i'm not doing it for someone else. this is completely selfish. i'm on no one else's schedule. i think i can do this. but i'm not very sure.

    Current Mood: hungry
    Monday, March 31st, 2003
    12:36 am
    fatass
    yeah. i'm still fat. a total fatass. went on a road trip. all the way to VA. i wish i was still gone. i hate being home. hate it.


    ollie's back. we've been talking. i'm crazy about him. i want him. i do. but i don't think it's for the right reasons, and i'm quite sure he doesn't feel the same. i wouldn't dare broach the subject.


    it just hurts so much. he and hB have been the remedy for one another. but hB doesn't actually matter. he has my lust. not my heart. and i'm quite sure if i saw ollie right now, i'm jump him. yeah. i'd fucking jump him
    Saturday, March 1st, 2003
    11:23 pm
    some stuff
    Yeah, so i got switched to doing costumes. i'm really bitter. i'm not even getting the rights of an actual designer, and this is my senior project. it really fucking pisses me off. Can't stand those bastards. i hate it so much. but i want to graduate. can't even be absent. not at all. i'm very bitter and resentful. ugh.


    also, just thought i'd mention this. ollie is back in the states and decided to get back in touch. i'm too enthusiastic. this is a person who dumped me. and in a mean way too. and was a bad boyfriend. a really shitty boyfriend. actually most of the time i didn't even think of him as one, because he just didn't fit the criteria.


    about hB. thought i'd mention him too. he has dreads again and has dyed them black. he's still very beautiful. i barely ever catch a glimpse of him though. it's killing me. it's like how i felt about "force of evil" in 7th grade. i want to be near him all the time, but i'm too afraid that i'll be called a stalker. more importantly, seeing him that much may kill me. he is literally like a god.


    when i went to 6th friday, he was out there by the tree (that tree. i wrote a poem about the last time i saw him at that tree) hanging with alex h (who supposedly lives by me). and some other dude. i didn't even look at him. i could feel him.( god i need him. i wish i didn't. i'm willing to be the weak one. i'm willing to be the pitiful devoted one. i'm willing to follow his every action and baby him and do anything. )i think he may have seen me. and i looked a fright too. at least i had my bra positioned correctly. whatever. i think he and that girl broke up. don't know why. just a guess. i don't think what he saw impressed him. i got some cool clothes the day before. if only i'd worn it. i don't think i could do anything to make him want me though. i'd be smart to just stop caring. i had for a while but it didn't work.



    he walked up

    and i looked away

    i was shy i guess

    he stood by me. across from me

    i looked away. i waited there.

    as seconds clicked by. a full minute's worth at least.

    i was wearing my heels. with the retro backs.

    and i thought. maybe. he liked that

    but he didn't speak

    and neither did i

    i looked somewhere

    not down. not away. not at him. somewhere else.

    my eyes were unfocused

    but my mind was. with the goal-

    DON'T LOOK INTO HIS EYES. YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED IF YOU LOOK INTO HIS EYES

    i pretended he wasn't there. or tried to rather.

    i tried to make him think he didn't matter to me.

    but even though i woudln't look at him. i couldn't walk away.

    and finally i pulled myself. and joined my friends. who were close by.

    he joined them too.

    the spell was broken?

    i never looked into his eyes

    but now i wonder. if i had, would he have loved me?



    Current Mood: nostalgic
    Friday, January 3rd, 2003
    3:19 am
    ww2 and all that jazz
    new years came and went. had a good time all in all. got a new car. mercury sable. really nice. I'll talk more about those things some other time. right now, there's something more important. 2 things really.


    #1 I've decided to lose weight a rather drastic way and it's very important that i stick to it, because if i don't i'll graduate ugly. plus, i think I(!) may have fallen for the manche. i just can't get this one thing out of my mind for whatever reason. even if i could get him though, i wouldn't want him, for obvious reasons. oddly, i have no idea who i want. rather, i'm more interested in who i want to be for a change, and i quite like it.


    #2 in fact, one thing i've realized about myself is a strong interest budding for ww2, social and intelligence, no real warfare. never been my stuff. i rent movies about it. it'll be a hobby. i never thought how much i tend to find a home in this niche. it's odd. but i like it. i'm also writing a set of stories "blood and water", stories from war, about the people, universal stories, the only rule for them is that they're set in ww2 and that a body of water plays some role. it's all because of how much i love di tsukunft. i'm inspired. thank god for mr lamore making a story a grade. i wouldn't have done it otherwise and it just flowed out of me. it's marvelous. the only problem is getting more to flow the same way. i've only got the one so far. but i'm working on one set in italy. maybe i'll use "malena" as influence. feel bad, but hey, that's art.

    Current Mood: bouncy
    Thursday, December 19th, 2002
    11:21 pm
    hi
    this is just to keep my account. the end
    Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
    12:42 am
    yeah
    It's been a while since my last update. A lot has gone on. Recently especially. And a lot hasn't. It's rather obvious what would fit under the latter, like f**king the adorable Scandinavian drummer boy, etc. But now it's time to elaborate.


    Well, somehow it seems I've turned the big one-eight. I'm very frightened and very legal. I don't know what to do. Now I have virtually no f**king options, since of course, I like 'em young. I made my mom get a cake for the occasion. It had a kitten on it. A nice cake, very cute. I got a fairly large deal of money so far. Quite a large deal, actually. I'm just worried- where do I go from here? I'm too depressed all the time to think about living every moment, since I know how much agony will accompany the last. And I have decided that I really am just a depressed individual. But I like the near-manic moments when I try to pretend I'm not. It keeps friends around.


    About friends. Evidently A and I have become rather close. I don't know how to see this. But it doesn't seem like it can go to shit anytime especially soon. She and N are officially friends now, and he is back with Miss Ohio. And she let me see her Eric journal. But of course, she has ammo against me, which could hurt my image way too much if it got out. The Source of Evil (J) thing. It's not good, but I told her, and now I can't go back. I just wanted her to get why I know about the Eric thing. Why I see those ones as an axis of evil. Had to mention Jason as it's escapee in my eyes, which he really is, whether he knows it yet. This was the other day. A few days before she and I went to a show @ state to see mostly shitty bands and punkwatch. You know, it's rather fun. and I like to say rude things loud enough for people to hear them. Definitely rather fun.


    We decided to get ourselves our very own postpunk as an academic team mascot. Striped shirt, eyeline, pouffy hair. etc. There were 3 perfect examles there. And mohawk boy. There's always one "stud" with a mohawk. I guess he replaced the old hot one. Still pretty hot himself. I watched them, the four between bands, surely making them uncomfortable. Also, I scrawled my love for carBOMBdriver everywhere. bathroom, cinderblock, wall, door, fun stuff. "cbd rocks my world/my pants off/my panties off/etc" and "dave reeder is my baby daddy". It's all in good fun.
    We're gonna see them on Halloween. after trickortreating. I don't know who all will come, but I will, and A better.


    Last evening we went to see her semi-friend's semi-band. Bob's car wash. Mark Feinman(?) Sexy boy. Thick neck, fabulous looks, perfect hair. Has a thing for that girl still. Whatever. Not into me anyhoo. Told A to come, but wouldn't socialize much. A real Asshole in my book. It took forever for them to let the kids in at the bar. I just made rude comments about the kids around me. The boy in the yellow and blue and how disgusted he made me for example. Luckily Mark's bandmates Dan and Carey(?) were much more accomodating and actually talked to us some. Nice people. According to A, bassboy was flirting with me. Not a good thing, not a bad thing. Nice guy, I'd date him, but I doubt I'd fuck him.


    A and I decided to start a band. We're gonna be vocalists and songwriters and boys are gonna be a slavish musicians. It's gonna be called "As Ophelia Drowns..." (my choice, or hers Ophelia's drowning). So far I've written a possible song, haven't gotten to the music yet, but its in my head. I wrote on 4 thingies on tables after tearing them up. Sam, who used to go to PCCA, looked at me funny for it, i believe, and also asked at some point if i'd graduated PCCA. Evidently he recognised me, but didn't know me at all. No one there does, know anyone, I mean.


    Nothing along the lines of hB. He's still beautiful. He still doesn't want me. Evidently, I'm now the girl who "used to" have an obsession with him, but don't currently. A little better. Must mention this.


    At the opening night for the man who came to dinner, hB was there, in a stupid hat thing, in front of Mark, yes the one above. I pointed him out to my mom, without noticing that a certain Becky was right in front of me. My mom, against my wishes, spoke aloud. In my mind quite loudly "S**tt". Bitch. So, nevermind about that. But once she saw him she told me he was "like a greek god". Something I'd said and she thought was my regular tendency to extremes. Sure. He is one. Ha. no, Wahhhhhhhh.


    So, I've been doing shit in school, and I suck ass. I need to start working on a dance show. Fun. Fantabulous. And now it's late and i need to go to sleep. Goodnight.


    Current Mood: happy
    Thursday, September 12th, 2002
    12:48 pm
    a change for the better?
    So, it's been about a month since school started. I've been fairly social and all, so I'm hoping all will be well. Today, everyone I actually know at my lunch table skipped, so I sat with Steve. Guess who has been sitting there, evidently playing chess with Reggie. That's right. Ole hB. Luckily, I've been trying to hate him after the whole getting asked my Becky if I was obsessed with him thing. So, I didn't even care, except that he's still beautiful and I still want him, but he doesn't actually matter now.


    Actually, the big thing is that I've officially switched to Scandinavian types, especially after just reading my weekly planet horoscope that said to give up a useless hope. Guess what that means? Yeah. Sooo, I gave up hB.


    Also, I'm doing fairly well in school. I'm barely keeping up, but still doing fairly well. I'm the head costume designer for the man who came to dinner now, and went earlier to look for fabric with mrs kelley. We found some really nice stuff. I'm gonna do everything I can to make the costumes look like real couture fashions, delicate details and all.


    I haven't talked to Tommy in a while. I tried to call him earlier about a metal show tomorrow, but he didn't pick up. Oh well. Dark Faith (yay adorable scanish drummerboy) and aruspex. I could really use some desperate cry, but I think they've disappeared again.


    So, Alyssa has become freakishly tight with this boy Nick, betatrey, who has a girlfriend in Ohio. Luckily, I like him as a person quite a bit, so I have nothing to complain about. Especially since he's not my type. We've all hung out though together a lot lately. Including trying to see Signs. oops. Also we went with Renee and for a little while Claire last Friday on an expedition ending with seeing the Good Girl at Beach and then hanging out at Baywalk. Fun afternoon/evening.


    I finally saw carbombdriver again too. It just isn't the same anymore. No one went onstage to join them. It was sad. Just a bunch of young mtv fans.


    I was gonna say some more stuff but forgot what. Oh well. The end.

    Current Mood: rejuvenated
    Thursday, August 1st, 2002
    2:27 am
    a long entry after having my wisdom teeth removed
    Well, I think it's been a while since the last time I wrote in here since I don't remember when that was. I have a lot to write about though. Wow do I have a lot to write about.


    For one, I got my wisdom teeth removed last week. Was I ever nervous. I'm freaked out by nature, so of course, I was just fucked up for this. So I was freaking out about all the monitors and my vital stats and shit like that. The nurse or dental assistant or whatever was a monster and a space cadet. She asked me what school I went to a good 15 times, stabbed my hand with the IV needle and the other hand had to be done by someone else. Worse, I asked her, well before I was under, to make sure I got my teeth back. I didn't. 2 hours after the procedure, I was sleeping it off and mom came to me and all I cared about was her getting those teeth. So she called, was told they'd been disposed of, and didn't push a damned thing. I guess she's the biggest fucking pussy in the world, my mom that is.


    Mom and I were talking the other day, and she said that everyone she knows whose kids went through it had short term memory loss and all that shit. I didn't. Actually, they gave me 2 shots of something to relax me and it didn't do a damn thing. I just know I was out as soon as they injected the real stuff, whatever it was. I heard 4 crunch noises, and then woke up. It felt like it took all of 5 minutes or so. So I woke up to the bitch nurse telling my mom I'd been paranoid while they were prepping me. Whatever. I'm cool with that. Bitch. Then, taking me out to the car, I said I was good, which I was, and she told me some shpeel about everyone saying it. Whatever. I don't remember the drive home very well, I remember just seeing the familiar drive, cos the surgeon's office was by the mall. But mom was all worried about me when I got out of the car and kept trying to help me, so when I got in the house I did a little happy jigg thing to piss her off. Said something like "fuck you", or just gave the finger, more a feeling than an action. Then I went to sleep for a while.


    Anyway's I had to go to get checked the other day and was okay, except I hadn't irrigated right the one time I tried it, so I think I might try to pop in tomorrow sometime, I don't know. I do want to fuck with the bitch nurse or whatever the fuck she was. It wasn't the same one that checked me, and I'm glad, cos she was so incompetant she would've cut my arm off. Dumbass.


    The other night I was at Borders and guess who I ran into. Alex. Mineric that is. It was awkward. We exchanged pleasantries. I didn't know what to say, you know? Especially since I'm precarious friends with Tommy, who I need to call about some money long owed.


    Oh, and also, after the whole thing, while the swelling was going down, I emailed my "friends" and they ignored me for a while. I finally emailed Alyssa again, and whatever, she emailed back. I'm gonna call her tomorrow about some Borders/mall thing. I need to check out the photo place there anyways.


    So I'm getting paranoid like 2 years ago. Don't think I'll do anything this time, since I was so royally fucked afterwards. I still need to make an expedition to Tampa sometime, I guess I'll try to before school starts next week.


    So, what's the chance that I'll actually ask Helium Boy out. HMMMM? Slim to none. Sounds right. I really want to, but I know I won't.


    I guess it's time to skedadle. I was supposed to be in bed a while ago. I'll be a pain switching around my clock for school. Oh well.

    Current Mood: pissed off
    Thursday, June 20th, 2002
    3:06 am
    (no subject)
    Well, I'm sad. I'm homesick. I'm heliumboy sick. And the other night I was drunk sick, but that's a different story. See, I've been miserable since I got into that car with grandma. There are many, many reasons for this.

    1) bad vibes

    2) won't even have a chance to bump into hB*

    3) ? I don't know

    pretty much, I don't feel welcome. It's not like it was last year, so I got drunk. On Friday night. I was at Joel's on Monday, and when Jenn &her boy got there, they ignored me. See, I'd made a fool of myself around her. Now for some more 123s. Why I'm a bad drunk

    1) I'm paranoid as hell all the time anyhow

    2) I don't notice the taste, therefore don't count how much goes down

    3) I'm always a bitch

    4) Alcohol makes me more of a bitch.

    So, I've just been sitting around, bored out of my mind. See, I'm not like dad, or mom either. I need constant stimulation. I can't even fall alseep easily cos I keep thinking... I guess I'm a narcissist/vain/shallow cos I always think and it's always the cliched kid about self thing.



    So I've been thinking a lot too about all the pretty boys back home, who I miss, even though I don't really know them or see them anywhere. Also, being able to watch real mtv here, I've realized on some late night music show that benji of something charlotte (one of the hosts) looks a lot like tommy, who I also miss.

    I'm glad no one knows about this account, too, cos I realized that I use so many names in it that you could trace it to me instantly.

    Actually, I think I'll talk now about the show I went with Tommy to see on I think the 10th Deathfest. We gave up early cos it was stupid fratboy shit. Except Desp cry, who tommy doesn't like, but I do, so we stayed for that. So, anyhoo, on the way there, it was raining. Well, on the way to Tommy's, it was raining really hard, and I almost crashed. And I mean, it was raining so hard I couldn’t see, and the fact that I’m nearsighted and the defroster wasn’t on didn’t help. So anyways, finally, I found Tommy’s house, which was hard cos I couldn’t see. So, finally, I called my mom to make sure it was the right address before honking. Well it was, and we had to maneuver to the interstate. Now, luckily, by the time we were there it had pretty much stopped, but park whatever was worse than on the way to his house.

    So then, once we got there, the door guy told me we were 2 hours early, which really sucked, even though I’d thought it was 4. Whatever. So we/I drove around. Tommy mocked my driving. Finally, I got onto Nebraska and just drove, which was cool – to see the real Tampa. Well, after a while we found “the building” and got out and looked at it through the fencing. So now I’m gonna have to take some people there to take pictures and draw and shit. then we went to ybor. this was a nightmare. I saw a place with pretty shoes I was 5bucks short on. it was like the last pair. I mean, these were dream shoes. I’ll be going back as soon as I get home with hopes. so, we were arguing waxingly the whole time, and then it was meanly once we were leaving. See, I just wanted to get on Nebraska, and tommy, who I was trusting to tell me to get there, was telling me a shortcut, so I got pissed. Anyways, eventually, I found my way to 275 which, with the missing thing took no longer than it would’ve taken if I’d gone straight on Nebraska. So, anyways, we didn’t really get along very well the rest of the night, and he compared my bitchiness to Alex’s which pissed me off.

    So, we’re at the mug. Get out the car and who’s right outside the entrance. that’s right mr drums(?) and mr guitar. So, just walk in, sit down. Live through frat band 1. Luckily desp cry was 2nd, so it was okay. I went up front, as always. Pretended to look at bassboy cos to my right was mr guitar playing and to my left was mr drums(?) at kinda a 45degree angle with me as the axis. So, I’m not sure about drumboy cos his hair was gone. Oh well. Looks more like a boy now at least. And, behind me, sitting was that Alix guy who was in eng last year. I don’t think he recognized me. I don’t care. so there was some line about not needing guitarboys last name, which being paranoid I thought made me think they thought I was stalking him, which I don’t mind, cos I was with a boy. so one more thing. we got drinks. the waitress didn’t even care about the xxxxxxs. groovy. no biggie though, cos I just had one.

    So I won’t say anymore about recent stuff, save it for later. I will say that walking in, the boys did seem take notice, for whatever reason. Maybe I have alternative motives for that FIMN.

    I’ll say something fast about that. I’m planning on starting a website/mail service to connect fl metallers- the Florida Intrastate Metal Network. It’s a groovy idea. I hope it’ll float. I just need to be bold enough to publicize it and take criticism.

    okay that’s all I’ll say


    Current Mood: nostalgic
    Thursday, June 6th, 2002
    12:10 pm
    i'm so fucking yellow
    I fucking pussied out yesterday. I saw him and kept walking and didn't see him again. Helium boy I mean. I feel so sad. I almost cried earlier actually. I mean, he was right there, and my dice have been saying such nice things about it. He's so beautiful and I didn't even try. I mean, I just feel so woozy. I guess now I know that the whole reason I felt so sick at school seeing him wasn't because of him but because of me. Because I had the chance but no courage. So now I'm gonna just be sad. I'll call Tommy later, and email Joe. But that won't be enough. I want to ask Joe to tell Mr. Helium to come too, but they aren't really "friends" I don't think.

    So, the funny thing is is that this entry reminds me a lot of my first one because soon, Saturday, I'll be seeing Desperate Cry, the guitarist of which was the subject of that entry. So, maybe I'll make myself feel better by actually hitting on him. Oh woe is me!


    I'll write some more later I guess.

    Current Mood: nauseated
    Sunday, May 12th, 2002
    1:56 am
    School is almost over cha cha cha cha cha cha!
    So much is different right now. It's the last 6 weeks and I'm starting to do most of my work for once. I also did a lot of stuff. I'm pretty sure I mentioned the event at the mug last time I was on, so I won't go into that.


    Well, I went to see Cannibal Corpse last weekend. This is the first show I saw at State since the carbombdriver show last christmas and the first metal show I saw there since deicide last halloween. Well, it was very good. I went alone. Between the 2nd and 3rd bands I talked to the light guy. One thing that always pisses me off at metal shows though- the big guys that block the edge of the pit. I want to hit them dammit. I mean, I know better than to expose myself to direct danger so I don't, but give me something! Plus, I really hate to admit it, there were a lot of hot guys in there.

    That's another thing. See, it's been such a long time since I've been to a bigger metal show that I forgot how many hot guys like metal. There were even a few attractive blondes ugh. There was one who was in the pit a lot who had roots about two inches long which I haven't seen in a while. Also, at the front there was a guy with red streaks who looked like the narc at state thespians. There were a lot meaner people there too. Everyone was so much ruder than at the mug or how they used to be. I remember when i saw mercyful fate, these big guys were all protective of me, which was really sweet. It's not like that anymore. Now everyone's all rude. And when I went to the bathroom, i actually heard someone comment on the size of those balloons. Umm my boobs, hon? dumbass.


    Also, the boys from Desp cry were there. Well, i'm assuming that the one was their drummer, cos I just know he has dark hair. But the other two (incl. girlyvoiceman as rachel calls him) were definately recognisable. I saw them before corpse played. They were all talking and the bassist guy looked at me a lot. If he weren't blonde, I'd have looked back. But the perty one didn't look. And I wanted him to. So pretty. I hope he goes to see Monstrosity.


    Also, Tommy was there. I didn't know at the time, but he called me on Wednesday and told me and we talked not about much. I tried to get him to go to marleys with me, but I decided not to to study for the American history ap exam, and so when he called me back i said nevermind. He IS gonna go with me to see monstrosity though. That way I'll have a boy who looks fucked up and he'll have a ride. We both win. YAY! That and I like Tommy. If he weren't a dropout and a slut, I'd totally dig him.

    Speaking of digging, who knows whether Steve digs me anymore. He's been rude lately. Oh well.

    Also, I think I'll just say that I think I did really well on the AP exam. On Tuesday, I'm gonna drive to Tampa for the blink show and then there's the science exam Wednesday. Yay.

    Now for the sad news. I had discovered last Friday that helium boy was no longer seeing a certain girl in my French class and ascertained it Monday. She herself said so. But on Wednesday, she said he was taking her to the Marleys. This ruins that. And I couldn't figure that all out because I didn't see him once either Wednesday or Thursday, which therefore saddens me. This week I'll have to try harder. I want to cry.

    Current Mood: blah
    Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
    12:21 am
    state
    I have soooo much to say, as always. I just don't have much time to say it. See, last week from Wednesday to Saturday, I was at the State Thespian Festival. It was incredible. Now, it's not that I so much liked all of it. I was angry and embarrassed much of the time, actually. Still, I left with an overall positive vibe.


    Right now, I'm about to start doing work so I need to be good and make some sense of what I'm writing.

    Well, the first day, Wednesday, we went to school first and had to take schoolbuses to Tampa. We were staying at a Ramada that looked really shitty on the outside, but, except for the very broken window, was pretty decent inside. My roomies were Rachel, Meghan, and Emily (who I bedded with). Now, I always get a shitty vibe from the first, and this was no exception. It's like she doesn't like me but doesn't want to get rid of my presense because she needs to feed off it if there are no other options. It reminds me of the Prima Donna actually. But the whole time she was all memmememeIIIImemineme. She talked on her boyfriends cell to him ALL THE TIME in the room. It was sickening. It wouldn't have been THAT bad if she didn't have to say so much about how much she either loved him or hated him. All she cared to talk about was herself. Not just her INTERESTS but HERSELF. In fact, it was barely the former. I honestly believe that she is ALL that she cares about. She's like a leach.

    Poor Meghan, who I do like, was sick and had to leave on Saturday. Emily was my "buddy". I had a great time with her, but I couldn't tell how she felt hanging out with me. I don't know why I always prefer the younger kids, but the ones my age are always such a drag. Were there some I liked around, I'd've hung out with older kids too. Just not my age.

    The first day, she started doing a "high five" thing, which I immediately picked up and maximized. I loved it! Some people were asses about it. They rolled their eyes or refused to participate. I could just tell that they were all 'lite and thought I was a poseur preppy chick. I'm comfortable with that. That's because I got just as many people who were super enthusiastic. Some ran over. Some high fived us at the same time. Some hit really hard. So cool. Some people even recognised us, especially me. That's probably because I was wearing my Mercedes neclace. On the Friday, at the light thing, we weren't even high fiving anymore, but some guy there recognised me and wanted one, which made me really happy. It's great. On Thursday I guess at the set design thing competition part which I went to to watch, some guy, who I thought was pretty complemented me on my neclace, which was very nice. I got a lot on it the whole time. Actually though, I was hoping he'd compliment the cleavage I was showing. Oh well.

    Now, the Narc. He was beautiful, like a younger, less haggard Jimmy Gnecco. I saw him the day we first got there. So nice. Now, affectations were bad- slipknot shirt over red and black striped ls. That's okay though cos it doesn't matter. I obsessed about him until, on Thursday at some point, Emily suggested I tell him I thought he was pretty. I'm not bold, so then she told me to write it on a globe thing. I did. I wrote "you're pretty" and walked over to him, tapped him, and dropped it in his lap and just walked away. Not smooth. But the best I can do. She sayed he smiled. Now he could have been (a) gay (b) that girl's boyfriend (c) not interested. I accept these options. Later on though, he and those 2 were trying to hack the globe and the girl yelled "who thinks he's pretty". Now I assumed it was at us, Emily later sayed it was just random. I yelled "me" and kept walking so whatever.

    So to wrap things up. Rags sucked at the people who did it were asses. I layed down during the dance. I'm gonna try for tech stuff next year. Jamieson won best of show. I didn't think he was that good. We got an instant standing ovation for songs, which was packed as soon as open. It was only because of how small our space was. K complimented my design. I pretended not to be that happy. His son is a sweetheart and I let him play with the lights when we weren't using them and he turned out the house on cue. So cute. He's only 9 and I swear, he's a genius, you only have to tell him things once. Now i'm working on dance concert. The end.

    Current Mood: tired
    Friday, April 5th, 2002
    10:03 pm
    videodrones, questions
    Okay, I have to start writing this.... Why?

    Well the reasons can be bizare, religious, philosophical, self-consious. Combinations abound.

    For one He could be religious about it. I don't like that one.

    It could also be about the spiritual qualities of the whole thing. Not good enough.

    He could have some weird phobia or have been molested when he was little. I don't want that to be it.

    He couldn't just be uncomfortable with his body/ability. Seems valid but too normal for a demigod.

    He could be HIV+. I would burst out in tears. I would. But I don't think it's it.

    Maybe I should compile a list.
    9:47 pm
    Alright-y then. I have a lot more than I expected I'd have to talk about.
    I squeeled to everyone I knew and everyone I didn't about my license on Monday. It really IS exciting. I went to the mall and drove home from rehearsal and got burger king! I gave Kristen a ride home today after rehearsal ended an hour early.

    Now the big, weird thing I didn't expect AT ALL. In Costume, Carol told me something Becky had told her about HIM. Naturally, it's hearsay, but I think I will ask Becky a bit myself. See, Carol, the sweety that she totally is, was kind enough not to divulge my identity without my permission. So here is... not saying He's pure and such, which I don't know, but he IS a virgin. Interesting.

    To me that's not a bad thing. Good in fact. The thing is it seems he's kinda weird about it. Carol didn't go into this, and I doubt Becky had.

    Now to me THIS is a bad thing : it seems He has a thing for Becky. This makes me sad. This also makes me hate her just a little bit even though she's a sweety and I have no right to have anything against her.

    After this, I decided to be bolder in looking while passing after lunch. From what I can tell, he didn't look. I didn't see him after that today. This makes me sad too. But I think I've figured it out: He knows it. EVERYONE knows it. I must become a awkward, drooling mess anytime I see him. Those people I've told have probably told. I don't know where I am now. It's just a bad thing I guess when the "butterflies" feeling is described my me as wanting to vomit.

    I think that's all for now

    Current Mood: stressed
    Sunday, March 31st, 2002
    7:40 pm
    About last night....(ADV/ADT)9399506

    Well, I have SOOOOO much to say right now. I won't say everything though. Part of it, I'd just rather not relive.


    I went last night (Saturday) to a show at the Mug. The first band to play was Desperate Cry, aka the reason I came in the first place. Of the bands, they were the only ones I knew about. That wasn't the real reason, though. What was it Josh said last year after I insulted HIS band about Desperate Cry? That's right. Now, I was curious whether or not my guess was right. It was.


    So I went. I got there early. About an hour early I think. The bouncer was cute and apologized for Xing my hands, which made him cuter. If he's there next time I go, I'll have to flirt. It's a necessity. So I went with Amy to sit in the back and talked and watched the band set up (we didn't know at the time who they were, I guessed right before they started though when I saw the bassist). So, they start playing and I look at the guitarist. That's right. HIM. Not, the new him, the one-at-Opeth-used-to-go-to-my-school HIM. Yeah, HIM. His hair is a bit longer. It's nice. He's just lovely. I WILL gush about it tomorrow to my friends. Especially the ones who also think he's lovely.


    Amy said that she saw him looking at me, glancing a lot. I thought I saw the same, but it could mean two things:(1) he was pleasantly surprised to see me, or (2) "That girl is fucking stalking me". He left as soon as they got their stuff offstage. Therefore I'm thinking it was (2). It makes me sad, but I WILL try again.


    Afterwards, well, no habla espagnol. That's all I'll say.


    Amy and I were creeped out so we went up front and saw the second band, bullhead from St. Pete. They were really good. I thought, looking at them, that they wouldn't be. But lo and behold. They were excellent. The one with the funny looking ubermini girl. Turns out it was cos she was a 12oclock.


    After they were done, we scadadled and went back to St. Pete. We had some denny's and now it's done.


    FIN


    Current Mood: everything again
    Saturday, March 30th, 2002
    12:26 am
    YYYYAAAAAAYYY!!!!!
    I have a license. I am a driver. Whoooohooo! Now I can stalk people and kill things. No hopefully I'll never do either.


    Ilka got fixed on Sunday. She was in heat, Ugly Cat was after her. She was so good. She just sat in the bathroom and hardly said a meouw. And whenever we came in, she was so sweet, rubbing up and purring and all.
    I've been very bad over break. I've barely done anything. I always have such high hopes. So sad.


    Well, now the cool stuff. I will now be able to drive my friends and myself to that concert at the arena. Kick ass. Also, if I wanted to, I could just up and go to Tarpon now. It would still be best to go with people though, which means I can't just up and do it.

    And now the bummer stuff. My license photo looks morbid. Also, I didn't bother to hit on the cute guy that I saw at the license place. He was blond though, so all the better. Also, I've been just miserable without seeing my lovegod. Just miserable. Everyday, he's the only reason I bother to wake up early enough to put on my makeup. Therefore, I've barely worn any at all. He's so pretty. I should write some poems about him. So pretty.


    Okay, I think it's time to quit.

    Current Mood: everything
    Sunday, March 24th, 2002
    12:12 am
    alive and updating
    Hmmm. So many things to write about. I don't know where to start, so this will be a nasty little mishmash.

    Well, first of all, the other day, I guess a week ago really, I called Tommy. I hadn't talked to him in a while and it didn't feel like he was all that happy to hear from me, so I said I'd call him back and didn't. I feel bad, but whatever.

    I recently gave Joe my email address to give to Chris (remember Chris). He emailed me. I haven't responded yet. He had invited me to come to a little "hangout" thing and that's why I didn't respond. It's easier to say "oh darn I missed it" than "oh no i can't i have nothing else to do".


    Also, Alyssa recently (Tuesday maybe) told me that Steve (no not the old Steve, the new Steve) thought I was cute. I feel like I'm blushing. Thing is, he's really nice. I'm even a little attracted to him. But the same thing as when I knew John. I want someone else who's better by my standards. A specific person, mind you. This time a different one. More on him later.

    Now, as for the one it used to be...We were getting along the other day. I don't know why. It did't seem quite right. Now, he's the one person that makes me think that my theory of how personality doesn't matter with sexual desire, is wrong. He's still very pretty. I'm really close to just telling him about the theory thing. I just know he'd blow up! He's so mean, in a nice when he wants to and it will stroke his already HUGE ego. I've decided to refer to him as a prima donna (not primo uomo), in fact. Anyhoo, I'm trying to plan the perfect moment to tell him about MY policies with the booth. Leave us alone! Don't yell at my crew! UP YOURS! The thing is how to do it so it doesn't make him act WORSE.

    Okay. So NOW it's time to talk about the HIM. ahhhh. HE is SOOO beautiful. I can't really describe exactly why. But I will describe him. He was really pretty before I was burning. Actually he was the one who walked to building 7 after my math class with the slutboy last year, who I would also (like primadonnaboy) still do. Anyhoo, the hair that used to be in a ponytail, now in dreads, which only rarely look good...on him they are beautiful. He had THE nose. The perfect just big enough, just aquiline enough. EVERYthing. He's within my height range. He's skinny in that lean not gross way. Ahhh. He walks beautifully, in a way that reminds me of Gnecco. Gorgeous. He wears tight shirts, which is SOOO sexy. Also, as to affectations, he doesn't wear flipflops (that I've seen), he doesn't carry a messenger bag. Also, I was just listenning to mystery white boy and his voice (which I hear occasionally while walking past him) reminds me of Buckley's.

    Now for what OTHER people have to do with it... Alyssa and Marisa (who now aren't friends, not gonna go into it) told me he was helium boy. Alyssa and Laura both empathize with my adoration of him. Laura almost saw his tooshy. I wish I'd been with her. Gigglegigglehairtoss. Little Rachel thinks I'm crazy. Chesty Rachel is in sync with me. The other day (last friday a halfday) we were walking together past him. He looked, I don't know if he usually does. But I hope it was at me (or my boobs bulging out of my top). Rachels and Alyssa mostly I gigglegigglehairtoss with some days while waiting by 16 for him to pass so we can say how pretty he is. And they can tease me, which I deserve. God he's gorgeous. Yum. Last but not least, Kristen (KK) is going out with a guy in his band. Therefore I'm desperate to get her to bring me with to a rehearsal. I don't think I'd have the nerve though. She told me that he's dirty, literally. I told her I don't care. Oh also, Charlotte, who doesn't get it, but turned to look at him the other day. I had to make a big thing about it. And also, Carol, who's a sweety. She told me he was really lame, and desperate cos girls didn't want him cos of it, and he'd be easy to get anyways. But that's okay cos she said I'm pretty. It's a lie, but it's sweet that my friends (pretty much all) lie in the nice way to make me feel better.

    I know there's other stuff I should write about, but not now goddammit.

    Current Mood: anxious
    Sunday, March 3rd, 2002
    1:05 am
    ITS BEEN SO LONG!
    Wow. I haven't updated in what feels like forever. I was almost afraid this would be gone. Well, I bet as soon as I look, I'll see that I actually updated just last weekend. Seriously though I really do need to update more often. So many things happen and I just don't want to have to write it down all at once. I should get online tomorrow to do this too. It's actually quite calming.

    I feel a sort of relief lately. Funny thing is, I don't really know why. I guess it's because I haven't gone to school all week. I was sick. At least the first part. Then that weird antisocial problem of mine kicked in. I hate it when I get like that. But now I'm stuck going back on Monday. And whether mom likes it or not I AM going to see Firewater. There is no way she is going to stop me from seeing the greatest rock band live in concert.

    So, I also wanted to say something about another.com. See, they decided to start charging. Now I have to pay for one of the other email addresses. I've already payed to two. I'm just not willing to get rid of them just yet. The one I still need to pay for is my Paypal account address too. I've also probably been buying too much. I'm going to cool down, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna stop.

    Since the last time I wrote I have gotten quite a few things though. CDs and shirts. Nothing else, though. Just on EBay I mean. I got 3 new Samael shirts and that cool radish one. I also got a Hate Eternal cd, 2 kiethevez cds, that synthpop cd, fluid ounces, nirvana, the verve pipe, fiona apple, and the newest firewater. About those 3 I mentioned- I'm going through the "things I feel I should have but don't" thing. The Fiona Apple one has proved quite popular. I've listenned to it constantly. I feel so bad for hating her for so long.


    Another thing to talk about- my kitten Raskolnikov (Nicky). He fell from the roof a bit over two weeks ago and after quite a scare where my mom and I thought he was dead, she found him and took him to the vet. He had a broken leg. Well it's pretty much better. The splint came off on Thursday I think. He's been running around too. He just can't go out; he's been in for these last two weeks. He's sleeping on the couch right now. I keep worrying that he'll want to be a house cat- I really don't want him to be. He's been really spoiled- eating tuna and gnawing on my hands. For once all the scratches on them aren't from Gawain. Luckily he still cries at the back door some, although it's becoming less frequent.

    I've been a vegetable lately. I need to get back into things. I guess the way I figure- it's better to be online and semi-productive that in front of the TV, letting my mind rot.

    Oh well.


    Current Mood: relieved
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